


Whatshisname

by LoveAllie



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gen, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-26
Updated: 2013-11-26
Packaged: 2018-01-02 18:03:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1059867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveAllie/pseuds/LoveAllie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What is the point in having an immortal life if you can't share it with someone you love? No, not someone. The one. The one with blue eyes. Whatshisname." - Malec Songfic, post CoLS</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whatshisname

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Hello guys.
> 
> This is just a small something that got into my mind when I listened to the song 'Whatshername' by Green Day (if you don't know it, listen to it! It is amazing). It is my first story EVER, so be warned! Also, I'm not a native English speaker; if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes I apologize.  
> The story was published on fanfiction.net first. 
> 
> Disclaimer: The Mortal Instruments belong to Cassandra Clare and the song 'Whatshername' belongs to Green Day, meaning I don't make any money with this story. And I put a quote from a movie and a character from another fictional universe in…

Whatshisname

 

 

It was a normal day in the end of October. Although the sun was shining it was already quite cold. The ground in the parks was full of coloured leaves that rustled whenever someone walked through them.

And the city was full of people; some were hurrying down the streets to catch an appointment or because they were late for work, some were just tourists, some were chatting with their friends, kids were running around, some of them already wearing their costumes for Halloween…

A tall man stood out of the mass. People were looking at him. Not because of his Asian features. They lived in New York, a city that is famous for its multiculturalism. No, people were staring at him because his clothes were rather old-fashioned. They look like something people might wear in one of those historical movies. But no one would wear them nowadays. Besides his clothes, the man's hair also seemed to need a new style. The long black bangs fall in his face and covered his eyes. If someone would see his yellow-green cat-like eyes, he would catch even more attention than he already got.

Magnus couldn't understand what had made him leave his flat. He didn't like crowds of people. They were too loud. Too happy and too reckless. They just lived as if nothing could ever destroy their lives and their happiness. And at the same time they were complaining about meaningless things. Magnus couldn't stand those people. Why had he left his flat again? He would just go back. Yes, that was a good idea.

Magnus walked down the busy street for a few more minutes, trying not to bump into any other passengers or running around children. Glad to get away from all these noises, he then turned left and took a narrow backstreet. He closed his eyes. Soon he would be back in his flat. It was quiet there, no one was there he had to be considerate of. No one to annoy him. No one-

 

"Uf!"

What had happened? Why had he stopped walking?

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry. I wasn't paying attention, really I'm so sorry, I-"

When Magnus opened his eyes, there was a boy standing in front of him. Or rather dropping to his knees. Magnus couldn't see his face, just the chestnut locks that fell into his face. The boy was wearing casual street clothes, nothing interesting. At the ground in front of him laid some kind of playing cards. Pictures of fantasy creatures were drawn on them (at least Magnus couldn't remember that big, white lizards with three heads exist). The boy quickly tried to gather them all together. He must have held them in his hands when the two of them bumped into each other and had dropped them.

Magnus was about to walk on. The boy was still rambling something about how sorry he was and that it was his mistake.

Having collected all cards, he finally got back to his feet. Magnus guessed he was fifteen or sixteen. Still a child.

"-Sir. I really should have looked where I was going!"

When he had rose to his full height – almost as tall as Magnus, which was surprising; most teenagers weren't that tall – and made sure his playing cards were safely hidden in the messenger bag he was carrying, he finally looked at Magnus. "You're not hurt, are you?"

Magnus was about to give him an irritated answer and tell him to get out of his way. He just wanted to go back to his flat. He definitely didn't want to deal with annoying little boys that-

Then their gazes met.

Blue eyes.

The boy had blue eyes. Not like  _his_  eyes. No, the teen's eyes were ice blue. But… the boy had blue eyes.

 

xXxXxXx

 

_Thought I ran into you down on the street,_

_Then it turned out to only be a dream._

Blue eyes. There they were. How he had missed them. The blue eyes. He remembered. These blue eyes that had have the colour of the sea. These blues eyes those had been so deep that Magnus could look at them for so long that he forgot everything else around him. These blue eyes had been so clear. These blue eyes he hadn't seen for so many years. How long ago was it? Decades? Centuries? It couldn't be a millennium ago… could it?

He had forgotten. He couldn't remember. After their break up – hell, what had that even been about? Why had they broken up? Had it been because one of them lost interest? No. Clearly not. They had been so in love. They couldn't have lived without each other. Every minute they had to spend apart from each other had been a torture. But then – why had they broken up? Why, if everything had been perfect? Why, if-

Oh. Right. It hadn't been perfect. Now Magnus could remember the reason for the break up. Immortality. He was immortal. And…  _he_  had not been – dear god! What was  _his_  name? How came he remembered so much but not  _his_  name?  _He_  had been so important for him.  _He_  had been Magnus' great love. Magnus' life. Why was Magnus not able to recall  _his_  name? Why couldn't he remember the name of the most important person in his entire life? Because that is what  _he_  had been.  _He_  had been his everything. And it had hurt so much when Magnus lost his everything. When  _he_  had betrayed him and went to Camille, that intrigues, manipulating, heartless vampire of an ex-girlfriend – nothing more than a long forgotten part of his life, that damn…

But had it really been like that? Had  _he_  really betrayed him? Hadn't  _he_ … just tried to build a future they could have spent together, Magnus and  _him_? Hadn't  _he_  just wanted to do something? Something that will give them the chance to stay together forever? Hadn't Magnus been the one that had betrayed  _him_? Wasn't it like that?

But what did it matter. That was so long ago. How long ago was it? Didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Not anymore. After the break up Magnus had been so sure that the pain would go away eventually. Eventually, he would have been able to live again. To laugh again. To love again. But he had been wrong. He couldn't. No matter how often he tried, Magnus had not been able to live again. He had been too hurt. Too broken. He would never live again. Because he would never love again. Because the love of his life was dead for so long. Because Magnus himself had pushed the love of his life away from him. Because Magnus had destroyed everything they had – themselves. And now he had to deal with it. He had to deal with that life – life! As if you could call it that! A life without love. A life without  _him_. Without- without… whatshisname.

 

_I made a point to burn all of the photographs,_

_He went away and then I took a different path,_

Maybe he would remember the name if he would see one of their old photos. One of the photos when they travelled; London, Vienna, Paris… oh yes, Paris. He remembered Paris. How they had kissed in front of the Eiffel tower. How they had walked along the Seine. How they had sat in one of those small street cafes, listening to the sound of the city, listening to the chatting of the people around them. They had eaten this amazing tart au chocolate. Magnus could still remember the taste. And how they had loved the time they spent with each other. When they had been in Paris, it has felt like there were just whatshisname and himself, like there was nothing else important in the world besides the man that woke up next to him every morning.

Yes, maybe if Magnus would look at the photos from this time – this great time – then he would remember  _his_  name. He would remember. He-

No. He can't. Magnus can't look at the photos. Because he had burned them. Burned them so long ago. So long ago, when the pain of losing  _him_  had still been so fresh that his heart hurt with every beat. When everything had reminded him of whatshisname. He just had to. He couldn't stand to live with all of these things around him that reminded him of…  _him_. So he had burned everything. Everything! All presents  _he_  had given him over the months they spent together. All blankets and pillows they had shared. All books  _he_  had touched. All clothes Magnus could remember he had been wearing when  _he_  was around. All-

All photos. He had burned all photos because he wouldn't have the power to look at them. Because he had wanted to forget. And now? Now, decades (or centuries?) later, he regretted what he did. Why had he burned all the things that reminded him of whatshisname?

Now Magnus knew that it was impossible. That he would never be able to forget  _him_.  _His_  beautiful eyes. The blue eyes. And  _his_  angel-like features.  _His_  soft hair. But  _his_  name… That was the only thing he had forgotten. And now he has nothing to help him remember  _his_  name. Nothing. And no one. No chance to recall  _his_  name.

Wasn't it something traditional? Like Christopher? Or William? Jonathan? Oh, no these were all other person he had known – some he had liked, some he hadn't. Why could he remember all the persons he had met? He remembered their faces. What they meant to him. And their names! Why not remember his? Why not whatshisname? 'How is it that we remember these people the least that made the greatest impression us? The once that meant the most to us…,' he thought.

 

_I remember the face, but I can't recall the name,_

_Now I wonder how whatshisname has been..._

_Seems that he disappeared without a trace,_

_Did he ever marry ole whatshisface,_

Magnus was wondering. What had happened after the break up? He hadn't been there, in the end, when the battle against this maniac (Sebastian, wasn't it?) had started. Magnus had heard the Shadowhunters had won. He had heard that Sebastian was defeated and killed. But what did that tell him? Nothing. It was a war  _he_  had taken part in. And every war takes its victims, not caring who died and who was left behind. Maybe, whatshisname had survived.

Maybe. Maybe  _he_  had survived and had been celebrated as a hero, alongside with  _his_  friends. Maybe they all had survived;  _his_  family,  _his_  friends, even that annoying blonde Herondale who had been  _his parabatai_. The one that had run into every life-threatening situation he could find (Magnus almost found that thought amusing. No, he wasn't thinking of ducks). Yeah, maybe all of them had survived.

Hasn't Magnus even met the vampire, Simon, some years ago? Yes, he was sure they had met… at one time or another. If he remembered correctly, Simon had told him about the grandchildren of – was it  _his_  sister? The beautiful, sometimes imperious girl that had looked so much like  _him_  and at the same time not? Something with 'I'… Iso-, no Isa-

Isabelle! Yes, Isabelle.

Magnus was sure Simon had told him about Isabelle's grandchildren. Something about how much they like to hear stories about the 'old times', about the adventures of Shadowhunters, werewolves, vampires and warlocks. And how they had fought next to each other. And love. So long ago…

Had Simon also told him about whatshisname and about what had happened to  _him_  after the war? Hm, Magnus couldn't remember. That might be because he hadn't listened. He had not wanted to speak to Simon. Had not wanted to be reminded of that incredible, astonishing time. No, he hadn't wanted to remember.

But if he just had listened, maybe he would know now. He would know about  _his_  life. If  _he_  had survived. What had happened after the war. If  _he_  had ever fallen in love again. Who knows? Maybe  _he_  had. Maybe whatshisname had fallen in love again and had been happy. Maybe  _he_  had even married. Why not? Magnus could remember that guy – a Shadowhunter. Joaquin, wasn't it? That guy who had always looked at  _him_. Looked  _him_  up and down and was always polite and tried to befriend with  _him_. And  _he_  even had told Magnus once that  _he_  liked that guy. So, why not? Homosexual marriages had been made legal some dec- wait, could  _he_  even have lived that long? How long ago was that again? Didn't matter. But MAYBE  _he_  had been happy. Maybe  _he_  had forgotten Magnus. Maybe-

Yes. Maybe.

Or maybe not. Maybe  _he_  died in the war. And maybe Magnus could have prevented that. Maybe. If Magnus just had been there, at the day of the big battle. If Magnus just had protected  _him_. Yes. Maybe.

Or maybe not. Maybe everything would be better now. Maybe everything would be like this, this- existence someone might call life. It didn't matter because Magnus couldn't change anything. It was too late for that. Far too late.

 

_I made a point to burn all of the photographs,_

_He went away and then I took a different path,_

He himself had left New York, couldn't stand the city where they had met. Where they had lived. Where they had loved. No, Magnus had to go. But so he never had the chance to learn what had happen to whatshisname. But would it have changed anything? After what they had said to each other, how should they have come back together? After Magnus had told  _him_  that he didn't want to see  _him_  again. After  _he_  had taken all his belongings with him and left Magnus' apartment. After they had broken all contact. It had been better for Magnus to go. Go far away. So he travelled to many countries he hadn't seen in such a long time. India. South Africa. Even Peru. But what had it changed? Nothing. Magnus could have stayed in New York. Because all he had done was to get drunk, party around and sleep with one person after another. But never with a person with blue eyes. He couldn't look into blue eyes anymore. They reminded him. Reminded him of the great time that had come to a sudden end. Magnus hadn't wanted to be reminded of his ex. Of how  _he_  had hurt him.

But later… later he had understood. The reason hadn't been that whatshisname had hurt him. The reason why Magnus couldn't look into blue eyes was that he had hurt  _him_. But it took Magnus a long time to understand. Too long. Too long to make it right. Whatshisname probably hadn't even been alive anymore when the truth had hit him. How long ago was it?

Long ago. After Magnus had understood, all he had wanted to do was hiding from the whole world. He had made a mistake. And he had been a coward and had just run away. He had even run away from his friends. Catarina. Tessa- Tessa! Why had she been allowed to get a happy ending and Magnus hadn't? Why had she been allowed to have a second chance and Magnus hadn't? Why-

But he had no right to blame Tessa. Tessa. She had always been there for him. Even after the break up. After the truth had hit him. And all he did was to hurt her with giving her the cold shoulder. She had wanted to help him. But Magnus had dumped her. Her too. Like he had dumped  _him_. Why had he been so cruel? Why hurt the only people that have loved him? Tessa had tried to speak to him. So often. But that was long ago. And now? Who was left? Who, of all the persons Magnus had met in his life – who is still there? Who hadn't died? When was the last time he had met anyone? Tessa? The vampire? When was the last time he saw a familiar face?

He couldn't remember. He also couldn't remember when he had returned to New York. The city where it had begun. The city where it had ended.

 

_I remember the face, but I can't recall the name,_

_Now I wonder how whatshisname has been..._

_Remember, whatever,_

_It seems like forever ago!_

_Remember, whatever,_

_It seems like forever ago!_

Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing. It was too late. Too long ago. When was it? When was the time when Magnus actually had been happy? When he had had a reason to live? When he had loved? When he had been loved? By  _him_.

Whatshisname?

He couldn't remember. It was… forever ago! What had happened? What went wrong in his life that he was punished like that? A punishment of immortality. What is the point in having an immortal life if you can't share it with someone you love? No, not someone.  _The_  one. The one with blue eyes. Whatshisname.

 

_The regrets are useless,_

_In my mind,_

_He's in my head,_

_I must confess!_

_The regrets are useless,_

_In my mind,_

_He's in my head,_

_From so long ago!_

He could have. No, he should have. He should have been there. Should have been there and saved  _him_! What had he been thinking? Why hadn't he been there?  _He_  had needed him. Magnus was sure of that. Magnus knew what it means to be alone, with no one who really loves you. No, siblings didn't count. Family is something entire different. It is not the same love. It is not what Magnus had felt. And he could feel it now – again. After such a long time. He couldn't forget  _him_ , whatshisname. No. He couldn't. Because the love he felt for  _him_  was still there. Always will be there.

 

_(Go... go... go... go...)_

_(Go... go... go... go... go...)_

_Remember in the darkest night,_

_If my memory serves me right,_

_I'll never turn back time!_

_Forgetting you, but not the time!_

What if  _he_  had been the same? If  _he_  had also suffered from the break up? Magnus was wondering. Maybe… yeah, maybe  _he_  had felt the same. Maybe… if they would have… if they just would have spoken with each other again. Just- just for a moment. Just a few sentences. Maybe then Magnus would have looked into  _his_  eyes – oh, those beautiful blue eyes! – and maybe, just maybe… Magnus would have seen all the love their owner felt. Would have seen how much  _he_  loved him and how sorry  _he_  was. Maybe. But maybe it didn't change anything. Not anymore. It was so long ago.

 

xXxXxXx

 

"Excuse me, Sir! Do you plan on standing there the whole day?"

Magnus awoke with a start. "What?" Where was he? Why was he here? And who was this boy again?

"Well, you continued to stare at me. And I really have to keep an appointment. So, if you wouldn't mind stop staring at me and let me through, I would like to go now, Sir."

Oh. Right. He had daydreamt. The boy in front of him probably thought Magnus was a complete idiot now. "Sorry, I didn't want to stop you from- whatever you were doing." That said Magnus stepped aside to let the boy pass.

The boy smiled at Magnus and before he walked pass, he gave him a cheerful "Thank you, Sir!" and then finally continued on his way.

Magnus sighed. What a bad day. No, what a horrible day. First, he ran into random person and then stood in the middle of New York City, daydreaming about his lost love. About  _him_. Whatshisname. And  _his_  blue eyes. And-

"Erm, sorry. I know I shouldn't be that persisting, but may I ask what your problem is, sir?"

What? Oh, the boy again. "You are right," Magnus started, "you shouldn't be that persisting. You-"

"But," the boy interrupted, "wouldn't you wonder why a stranger is staring at you for, like – I don't know,  _forever_?" Magnus rolled his eyes. Sure, the boy was thinking he is a complete psycho. "And if I wouldn't be sure that I never met you before, I would swear that you seem to know me. So,…" Did he really look at the kid like that? Has he really thought  _he_  stood in front of him when he looked at the boy? Oh. Sure he had. Because of his eyes… "…whatever happened, get over it! Life goes on. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to suffer like that."

 

_What the hell?_

How did the boy know that?

Magnus could only stare at the boy. He was speechless. And that stupid child had nothing else to do than to grin at him! As if he would know everything. Who was he to think he could tell him – him! Magnus Bane! – something about life? Something about love?

"Or was it a he?" the boy asked with an even wider grin on his lips.

"You damn, little-"

"Okay, sorry! I was just saying! No need to be offended!" With that the boy turned around and started to walk away for the second time. But this time, Magnus was the one who wasn't finished with this conversation!

"Hey kid! Who are you that you think you know me?" Magnus really wanted to know why such a child, a nothing, could read him so well.

"Eh? Oh, I just…. well, guessed. I have three older siblings. Believe me; I know enough about the drama people go through after they got dumped or whatever." Magnus was about to correct him – because he had not been dumped! He had dumped the only person he had ever loved – but the boy just went on. "Anyways, I'm Seth. Seth Lightwood. And I have to go!"

_Lightwood._

"You… Shadowhunter!" Magnus couldn't form a correct sentence. A Shadowhunter? He ran into a Shadowhunter and didn't even notice it? And a Lightwood on top of all of that?

"Yeah. Thought you would notice earlier, warlock." With a final smile and a wink, the boy ran off, being swallowed in the mass of people as soon as he reached the main street, just a few meters away from Magnus.

 

Magnus just stood there, not turning his gaze away from the place where the bo- Seth had vanished out of his sight. A Lightwood. Magnus had known some Lightwoods. There was this boy, Gabriel, who was always fighting with Will. That was so long ago. Forever ago. And he could remember his children and some of his grandchildren. And Isabelle of course. Jace, that idiot. And there was a younger brother, right? Max? Yes, Max. But Magnus had never really met him. And then there has  _him_. The one with the beautiful eyes. The blue eyes. Whatshisname.

Magnus slowly turned around to walk back to his flat. Walk back to his so called life. The ordinary torture of being without the love of his life. Without whatshisname.


End file.
